fire and control

I imagine the reason that I seem to have disappeared after graduation and as recently as a few months ago, was because I wanted to forget a lot of what happened at Cornell.  In my mind, that meant cutting off all forms of communication until I felt the need to reappear.  In doing so, I cut myself off from not only people from Cornell, but people from before.

So I disappeared for a while.  And it didn’t help at all.  It made things worse.  At the time I didn’t realize I was disappearing until I reappeared and I was told that I had been gone for too long.

But here I am.  Ready to stop fucking things up and get my life and my friends back in order.  So for those of you whom I have not spoken to, or those who feel that I’ve been a bad friend, or not even a friend, I apologize profusely and honestly.  Consider this my official reappearance.

There isn’t a good reason for me to have ceased communication with people I care about.  I have done nothing of significance with my time here.  I have not traveled to far off lands and helped the poor, or found myself, or even found anyone else to be worthwhile.  I have found nothing…except my loneliness.  And with that I come crawling back to you.

It is surprisingly quite cold today. Even the air smells different in the fall. Maybe because it hardly ever gets cold down here, or because of my strong attachments and feelings about cold weather (four years in Ithaca will do that to you), whatever the reason, the coldness of today has got me to thinking. And thinking, in my case, always leads me to writing.

So maybe I’ll come up with a proper way of writing what it is I feel when the weather gets cold, the air smells that certain way, and stores start decorating for Christmas. Now I know it’s entirely too early to be even thinking about Christmas, but really when I say something “feels like Christmas” it’s not exactly December 25th + presents that I’m trying to convey to you.

There is just something very different about those few months and weeks leading up to what we call “The Holidays”. In my case I think it starts with October. October, as you may know by now, is my favorite month. Mom’s birthday starts it off, followed by my birthday, Mackenzie’s, and then Halloween. Not to mention that once October is halfway done, stores and everyone else starts putting the Halloween on clearance and begins decorating for Christmas.

Once we get to November there is that obvious ’something’ in the air. Whether it’s cold or not, there is something. At work they start playing Christmas carols and everyone just seems so happy. While I was in college I think the happiness came from the fact that we knew once exams were over, we were free for a month. We knew we could go home and forget about Cornell for at least a few weeks.

But now that it’s done, I don’t want to forget about Cornell. Going back to Ithaca was the greatest thing I have done in a very long time.

It felt like fuckin’ Christmas.

Being with certain people makes me feel like Christmas. And for some reason I can’t accurately describe what that actually means without sounding silly. But I’ll try anyway. It’s that feeling of knowing everything is going to be good. Being warm and loved and happy. Knowing that no matter what you can always go home. And Ithaca still feels like home to me, somehow. I thought maybe I would go back and feel out of place or like I didn’t belong, but I didn’t. I felt at home, just like if I had never left. Both with the people and with the place.

Speaking of my birthday, here’s my wishlist so far.

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DVDs:

Drake and Josh TV show (anything except the first season)

Early Jack Nicholson (pre-1985): Easy Rider, Five Easy Pieces, The Last Detail, Reds, etc.

The Departed

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CDs:

The Devil Wears Prada Soundtrack

Some Elvis would be nice

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Books:

“Fruits” by Shoichi Aoki

“Aggression in Dogs” by Brenda Aloff

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I’m kinda stuck as to anything else I want. Besides that Golden Retriever Peggy, I hadn’t really planned on asking for anything. My phone is up for an upgrade in November and I’m getting either an iPhone or some form of a Blackberry-ish device. And I’m getting a new laptop for Christmas. So the birthday list is kinda lacking.  Not to mention since technically Dad paid for my plane ticket to Ithaca, he’s counting that as part of my birthday.

For those of you who know me, this bit of information shouldn’t come as a big surprise since you probably already knew.  But honestly, I really love Halloween.

In fact, October itself is probably my favorite month of the year.  This year in particular is shaping up to be a rather exciting one:
First of all, I’m going to Ithaca for Home(BONE)coming.

I’m actually going to be home for my birthday (and Mackenzie’s) for the first time in FIVE FUCKIN’ YEARS.

I’m (hopefully) going to have a birthday party for the first time since I turned 18.

The Halloween costume party at work is really awesome.

And last but not least:  Halloween.